Tuesday, July 30, 2013

What goes on when you are not there!

I knew it.
All along they've been playing us.
Just waiting for us to look the other way so they can steal our picnic baskets.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

FILTH Movie RESTRICTED Trailer # 2

I like this Bruce Robertson. He's got "character".

Friday, July 26, 2013

Noah Wyle Recites (from Memory!) His Very First ER Medical Monologue

Always liked this actor.
Funny stuff.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I was speaking to the voices in my head about dinner and.......

...well, to be quite frank with you the voice was giving me a bit of grief about tonight's menu, which was:

2 Vanilla Pudding cups.

Ya' see, sometimes the voice(s) can be quite ugly and say nasty things to you.
See previous post - http://elpinchepirata.blogspot.com/2013/07/in-post-i-put-up-earlier-today-i.html
Other times the voices just crack me right the f@#K up.

Like when I mounted a fairly strategic, and might I add rhetorically valid, argument in defense of my dinner choices this evening.

I think what cracks me up the most is the look the dog is giving me just as I start to realize that I've been having this argument out loud with this imaginary TV amalgamation of all the perfect moms -
so beautiful and thin and put together and never at her wit's end like both Donna Reed and June Cleaver, and yet so wonderfully, happily, huggably, plus-sized, like so many other film and TV moms, and of course, always with that great Italian/Jewish mother habit of over-feeding you with all your favorites:
"JoSEph! Oh, you're SO skinny! Eat! EAT!!!"
(Totally works in either accent.)

"I don't want you to "Change" the behavior: just notice it when it happens."

Inside voice, Joe. Use the inside voice.

"I thought we were doing well to meet Hope."

In a post I put up earlier today, I mentioned that a potential future ex-wife, Sara Harrier, is now a life coach in California.

http://saraharrier.com/

When I met Sara several years ago we spoke long enough for me to realize that
A.) She is in fact future ex-wife material.
B.) She's pretty damn smart.

Yesterday I received an invite to "Like" her page (linked above) which I gladly did without reading because what guy doesn't want to say, "Ab-so-fucking-lutely!" when a gorgeous and intelligent woman asks if you like something of hers.

Momma didn't raise no fools!

I just read a couple of her essays.
They are both good reading and oddly prescient to what has been happening in my life over the past year or more.

Her writing on the voice in her head in particular, here -
http://saraharrier.com/naming-the-cute-little-voice-in-my-head/
was so on point with me that I decided to post a private email exchange that I had with a friend after my little road trip to Nashville last month where I met another future ex-wife, Miss Ivalee Pitts.

http://ivaleepitts.com/

I've been meaning to write more about that particular day but every time I tried nothing as good as this conversation came out so, for better or worse, here is the email exchange I had with my friend Tonya that day.

_________________________________________________________________________________

EPPdF via text:

Funny story
In Nashville w Greg
At lunch I gave my pirata business card to the bartender to give to a gorgeous fiddle player
Told her I had just saw my future former wife
Greg bought motorcycle
We came back downtown
We were just about to leave when I checked my old ph for the first time today
Ivalee my new wife has called
We are staying the night

My buddy Greg with his newest pride and joy.

Tonya:

Wait...Greg bought your motorcycle!?!

These cryptic messages are very confusing.

Perhaps you should avoid the phrase "future former".

Self fulfilling prophecies are no good.

Also.......you have a pirata business card? (doofus)

Also.......ewwww, I don't need to hear about your on the road escapades.

You see the worlds biggest ball of yarn, tell me about it.

You hook up some chick in a bar.....you keep that business to yourself.
I am a lady ya' know.

In addition, I am still pissed - that's right...Pissed and a little hurt - that you totally blew off my "I'm sad and baking" offer.

That bread was AWESOME and now you do not get any brownies!
:p

EPPdF:

A. I have never hooked up with a chick I just met.
B. Greg bought a motorcycle in Nashville - not mine.

C. I am home

D. I think the last 24 hours changed my life.

E. I ignore your anger.

That's right.

I said it.

The "pirata" cards are funny.

They are part of this process - of setting yourself free - of saying, "Wouldn't it be funny, if……?"

And then acting on it because you thought it was funny and why shouldn't "you" be the one to decide?

Of letting go of that ugly damn voice.

That little SOB that dogged me thru countless years.

The one that told me not to try this or that because it wasn't going to happen.

"You're not lucky. You won't win."

That ugly beast that told me, "She won't like you - don't bother asking her out."

The one that said, "You're not good enough for her. Or her. Or her either. "

And in countless deceitful, undermining, "Judas moments" betrayed me - told me what I was seeing was wrong.

"Of course you're not seeing this person you care for you let you down, undermine you, lie to your face, throw you under the proverbial bus ".

"You're wrong. You just don't understand. B/c you're not smart enough. B/c this is a complicated situation. And if you really understood, then you would realize that I had to lie to you, b/c it was for the greater good, and b/c that lie was for the greater good, this deceit, this betrayal doesn't count."

"Your feelings don't count. You don't get it."

And honestly - that voice died yesterday.*

In one last epic mental battle I plunged right into the heart of darkness with nothing but hope.

And faith.

And an old U2 song from The Joshua Tree.

In one last hoorah, at 4 o'clock this morning, on Interstate 75 southbound, right at the exit for Chatsworth and White, I looked the beast right in his stinking face and shouted at the top of my lungs -

I want to run - I want to hide

I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside

I want to reach out and touch the flame

Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face

I see the dust cloud disappear without a trace

I want to take shelter from the poison rain

Where the streets have no name

Still building, then burning down love

Burning down love

And when I go there I go there with you

It's all I can do

The city's a flood and our love turns to rust

We're beaten and blown by the wind - trampled in dust

I'll show you a place high on a desert plain

Where the streets have no name

Still building, then burning down love

Burning down love

And when I go there I go there with you

It's all I can do

Our love turns to rust

We're beaten and blown by the wind

Blown by the wind --

And when that voice rose again I shouted even louder:

I have climbed the highest mountain

I have run through the fields

Only to be with you

I have run - I have crawled

I have scaled these city walls

These city walls

Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips

Felt the healing fingertips

It burned like fire

This burning desire

I have spoken with the tongue of angels

I have held the hand of the devil

It was warm in the night

I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come

Then all the colors will bleed into one

Bleed into one

But yes, I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains

Carried the cross of my shame

Of my shame

You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for --

And it is was ok to have not found what I was looking for because I'm still out there looking.

But now I believe that I'll find it.

I believe that I deserve it.

I'm ok being me.

I actually like me now.

And I'm running to it instead of away from it.

And now the "wicked witch" is finally dead.

And I promise you that I was actually crying as I typed this email to you.

And it's ok cause now it's over.

I could show you the exact spot on the highway where the beast died and I laid my burden down.

Because I was silly enough to say, "Wouldn't it be funny if I had these pirata business cards made" a year and half ago.

And funnier still to have pirata sticky notes made?

And letterhead and t-shirts too?

Cause that made me hysterical - in a good way.

And yesterday I said, "Wouldn't it be funny if I gave this silly pirata card to this stranger -

(and I swear I am not making this up but the bartender's name was Hope!!!) -

to give to another stranger - with instructions to tell her that I had just met my future/former wife?"

And wouldn't it be funny if she called?

And then she did.

And then I met her.

She is tall, gorgeous, and talented and she looked right at me - ME - this guy right here! - she held my hand and looked right into the good eye and told me that she thought I was, "mysterious and sexy".
I told her I was sure I'd be coming back to Nashville very, very soon.**

That was it.

Nothing improper or inappropriate or unseemly at all.

2 people met, shook hands, and parted ways with the hope of seeing each other again.

I laughed all day yesterday and was still laughing at breakfast this morning.

And yeah, "Wouldn't it be funny if Ivalee Pitts and Joey Rodriguez met and fell in love?"

If the story we told our grandchildren was,

"Your grand pop saw me playing fiddle and announced right then and there that I was the woman he would marry and I thought right then and there - Yes. Yes I would marry that man with the eye patch."

(Probably leave the whole ex-wife and sexy comments out of the "G" Rated kids version.)

Because what if the story was how your grand-dad went to Nashville to buy a motorcycle but went home with a wife."

Wouldn't that be funny?

I don't think it's likely to happen but, what if……

Isn't that what we're all hoping for?

To fall in love and have it finally, This Time, work out?

When I told Greg, "I'm sorry to drag this trip out but we have to stay and meet Ivalee, right?"

He said, "Well, hell yeah we have to meet that gorgeous woman.

I just thought we were doing well to meet Hope."

He was right.

Yesterday I literally and figuratively met Hope on my little road trip to Nashville.

And who knows?

What if………

Look up Ivalee's band, The Spaghetti Westerneers, and see how talented my future/former wife is.

And yes, I'm still laughing.

And I'm still holding out for cream cheese brownies. Pretty please!?!

Editor's notes:

*Honestly, I don't think that voice ever completely dies but it does become much easier to turn it down or outright ignore it.
** I haven't made it back to see Ivalee.

But I still have Hope!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Spaghetti-Westerneers/373892539725

Jimmy the Cab Driver - Ironic

Push the button.
Push it.
Push the button.
Do it.
Push it.
Push the button.
Just do it.
Get it done.
Push the button.

Push the button and walk back to a time when MTV was relevant.
When they shaped your world view.
When rock stars were either trying to do all the drugs in the world or trying to save the world and you were rooting for both.
Walk back in time and shake hands with Jimmy the Cab Driver.
The guy you never met but couldn't wait to see even if seeing him again was a repeat of the last time you saw him.
A time when you and your friends enjoyed a party geared around Headbanger's Ball.
A time when the wall fell and the world felt fresh and new and ripe for a handsome young go-getter like you.
Push it.

You know want to.

And, read this article about "Jimmy".

http://www.bbcamerica.com/copper/blog/gothamist-its-time-to-stop-thinking-of-donal-logue-as-that-guy/

Monday, July 22, 2013

Introducing "Africa"

Mutual friends introduced me to this little slice of heaven a few years ago just before she went off to spend a few months in Africa with the CDC to dig wells with pygmies, or save baby elephants, or pull pygmy elephants from wells, or something like that.
It was a long time ago and those details don't matter.

What does matter is I did get a date with her.
"Africa" was the codename between me and a close friend when I was asked about progress after that first date.
Well, to be fair, it was more like "we were both having a drink in the same bar at the same time" but I'm gonna go ahead and put that "on the boards" for me.

Attitude, kids.
Attitude.

I bring this up b/c I recieved an invite to "Like" her page (link below) on Facebook today.
I think we all know that's code for,
"I really regret not going on a second date with you and I'm completely in love and I'm ready to express that now. I don't know what was wrong with me before. I was just so, .....I don't know, like.. I would just ya know.....keep things insideuntilIgotallbottledup and thenn..I wouldjustlike...likewithAfricaya'know...
I met you and itwasjusso.....INtennnse, right? and I couldn't deal soI just saidya'know....send me anywhere and theywerelike: Africa. We have a position in Africa.
And I said: Done. And I got a plane.
ButnowI'm here and I'm ready now. And if you're still interested..........."

http://saraharrier.com/
"Coaching is magic. You can totally turn this sh*t around."

(To all my guy friends: clink the link and see the picture on her home page.)
(Pfffff. Yeah Fuggedaboutit.)

Normally I think of "Life Coach" as code for, The Healing Powers of Gem Stones + F'ed up childhood, but having met this particular gorgeous woman a few years ago and put her on the farm team for my future ex-wives, I still think that.

She's tall, pretty, ridiculously smart, and not at all interested in yours truly.
I choose to interpret that as, Yet.
Not interested yet.

Attitude.
Life is all about attitude, kids.

Take a lesson from your old uncle EPPdF and always look on the bright side of the lemon.
(Something along those lines anyhow.)

There's a fine line between the spontaneous interstate road trip of a man who is smitten with a pretty girl and a lunatic stalker.

It's a line I intend to take directly to her heart.
Yes, I do.

As always, your intrepid reporter will keep you posted.

XOXO,

EPPdF

P.S. I would to love invite you all to the wedding but -

A.) "The Coach" wants to keep things small and intimate and between you and me, underneath the confident (did I also mention gorgeous?) Life Coaching exterior lies an extremely sensitive woman and, don't tell her I let it slip but a bit of a cryer, so for now I think it's best that we just keep the wedding to ourselves. K?

2.) People who believe in The Healing Powers of Gem Stones never believe in marriage.
Those two philosophies never mix in the same head.

P.S.S. I'm sure that I don't have to mention this to you but, let's keep a lid on the road trip thingy too.
Don't want to spoil the surprise!

Whales almost eat Divers (Original Version)

I take back all the nice things I said about whales.

Clearly they are killers and should be captured, and after a short and fair trial, hung by the necks until such time that they be pronounced dead.

As if the follow up to the Zimmerman case weren't strange enough.
George Zimmerman helped to rescue a man trapped in an overturned truck.

I won't make the same old joke about Zimmerman learning to stay in his truck.
(See how I went around cliche corner?)
(Then, BAM!!!)
(Joke.)
(Right in your face.)
(MmmmHmm.)
(In your head, man.)
(In your head.)

http://www.breitbart.com/InstaBlog/2013/07/22/George-Zimmerman-Emerges-from-Hiding-to-Rescue-Man-from-Overturned-Truck

PIXAR SHORT MOVIES (LIFTED AND BIRDS)

This is really funny.
Makes you realize how important a good music score really is!

Does Pixar make bad movies?
I feel like everything they touch is pretty above average.

Disney Pixar movie "For The Birds"

Mary, aka Ms. X, sent me this little clip from a new Pixar movie.

Set your computer's "Cuteness" capacitor to 10, then hit play.

An odd evening with The Black Crowes

I'm sure it was just me but normally I enjoy The Black Crowes a lot more than I did Saturday night.

The whole evening felt a bit off.
Not bad, just off.

I was late to pick up Casey, who joined Keith, The Good Cardinal Martin, and me at The Tabernacle a couple months ago to see TBC so we missed The London Souls, who are pretty good.

We saw more than enough of Tedeschi-Trucks to decide that it's not for me.
They're good musicians and performers and I feel like I SHOULD like them, I just don't.

Too "festival music" as Casey said.

They seem like they should be on tour with Phish or such bands.

Not bad, just not for me.

My seats at Verizon were awesome - 3rd row, center section. Right up front in the middle.

And neither Casey or I were much in the mood to be in our seats.

It was kinda weird but at least we were both on the same page.

As for TBC, my favorite show remains the one I saw at The Alabama Theater in Birmingham back in '05.

That was a spectacular show and one that followed one the best meals I've ever had at a little restaurant right around the corner from the theater - I believe it was 1820 G Street (the restaurant's name).

Verizon Amphitheater, located in Alpharetta, is a nice venue.

It's laid out well, parking is convenient and relatively close.
The sound is great and the big screens hanging on either side of the stage are pretty great.
It's safe, clean, looks nice, and has plenty of food and drink booths so you won't wait too awful long for your $12 beer.

But I still don't like it.

Sorry.

I'm just not a suburban guy and something of the flavor of the suburbs swirls around the amphitheater.

It's too clean, too safe, too "very" for me.

I prefer The Clermont Lounge, a dark, smoky, questionable bar full of dark, smoky, questionable people.

And fun.

Which is where Casey and I went after a misguided "field trip" to Tattletales.

Those that know me know that I do not like strip clubs.

They kinda give me the "skeeves".

But, some friends were going, including a friend from out of town that I haven't seen in a year or more, so with Casey's prompting, we went.

Casey was under the impression that, during a particular night of the month, Tattletales gave out free t-shirts and since she'd never been, she was game.

And then we got there and sure enough, the "skeeves" were out.

Actually, it was ok.

I mean it was too loud with the wrong music and the girls looked creepily young - not in the normal, "oh, they're too young for you, mister yucky old man" sort of way but in the, "Your name should probably be on a list somewhere," sort of way.

Yeah, I know.

We were there about 20 minutes before Casey turned to me and said, "I feel like the suburban folks at the concert followed us here to the strip club."

EPPdF, "Yeah, I know. Let's go to The Clermont and wash the taste of the suburbs out of our mouths."

Caey, "Do it."

And smash cut to us having a beer at 2:30 AM at The Clermont wondering what the hell happened to the AC.

It was hot as blazes in there.

Good grief.

Like I said, I'm sure it was just me but the whole night seemed a bit off - not bad, just off.

Thankfully, I was with Casey who is always fun and she was on the same page as me.

She had it right at the end of the night when saying goodbye she said, "It was fun and I'm glad we went but I kinda feel like we would've had more fun just sitting at home on the porch with a beer and the radio."

Yeah, one of those nights.

Editor's Note: I have been assured, in no uncertain terms and no small amount of profanity, that it was in fact me and NOT The Black Crowes Saturday night.
The Black Crowes played an amazing set of some of their old school rockers, including a Hard to Handle into Hush back into Hard to Handle medley that was amazing and a fairly kick ass version of The Stones "Jumpin' Jack Flash".
I apologize in the very most insistent way and I stridently assure you that it won't happen again.

Crowes good. EPPdF bad.

Thank you.
That is all.

The Black Crowes setlist for Saturday July 20th, 2013 at Verizon Amphitheater.

Sting Me
Twice as Hard
Cursed Diamond
Black Moon Creeping
She Talks to Angels
Magic Rooster Blues
Wiser Time
Descending
Jumpin' Jack Flash
(The Rolling Stones cover)
Hotel Illness
Jealous Again
Remedy
Hard to Handle
(Otis Redding cover)
Hush
(Billy Joe Royal cover)
Encore:
Show Me
(Joe Tex cover) (with Tedeschi Trucks Band)
Turn on Your Lovelight
(Bobby Bland cover) (with Tedeschi Trucks Band)

Friday, July 19, 2013

An actor writes a thoughtful essay about the Zimmerman case and the media's involvement

I knooooww!
An actor?
Thoughtful?

I found it hard to believe too but actor Romany Malco had a lot to say and it's worth a read.

_________________________________________________________________________________

From Brietbart:

http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Hollywood/2013/07/19/think-like-man-actor-trayvon-essay

Actor Romany Malco of Weeds and The 40-Year-Old Virgin fame took to The Huffington Post to comment on the death of Florida teen Travyon Martin.

What Malco wrote hardly reflected the majority opinion in Hollywood. In fact, Malco's piece is both more thoughtful and considerate than nearly everything penned by his industry peers since George Zimmerman was acquitted in the death of Martin July 13.

Malco's lengthy piece explores black images in the entertainment world, our culture's willingness to ignore the many black teens who died before and after Martin's fatal encounter with George Zimmerman and, most importantly, the mainstream media's role in whipping up a racial frenzy all in the name of ratings.

He even spares a sentence to castigate a culture which refuses to hold President Barack Obama to his promises.

_________________________________________________________________________________

A Message to Trayvon Martin Sympathizers

By Romany Malco

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/romany-malco/a-message-to-trayvon-mart_b_3612231.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

I haven't touched on the Trayvon Martin issue because race matters in this country are the paralysis of the American people. To constructively discuss Trayvon would require empathy, introspection and an understanding of America's social and economic history. This is why the open forums we have seen thus far seem to fuel more ignorance and bias than reasonable debate.

To be brutally honest, the only reason people are even aware of Trayvon Martin is because it became a topic within mainstream news and pop culture. Meaning: News directors saw it as a profitable, sensational story. Hundreds of blacks die annually in South Side Chicago without even a blurb. Trayvon isn't in the mainstream news for any reason other than ratings and profit. The news coverage on the Zimmerman case almost implies that the killing of this young black man is somehow an anomaly and I resent that.

In this country, if it isn't streamlined through mainstream media and pop culture, it doesn't seem to warrant national debate. Our "government" continues to wreak havoc on our civil liberties and there is little to no protest from the black community because of media diversion tactics that keep such pertinent issues out of mainstream media. But if Jay-Z or Rihanna were to make mention of it, we'd suddenly be jolted out of our sugar comas and protesting on freeways.

My point being, people are up in arms about Trayvon based on regurgitated pundits and manipulated facts aired to elicit emotion while fueling America's anger and division. That's how you boost ratings. No different from Piers Morgan's desperate rant over gun control when he knew his ratings were in the dumps. And from where I stand, anyone who still relies on corporate-owned media pundits to support an argument isn't equipped to offer worthwhile solutions.

People are using Trayvon Martin's death as an excuse to project their own deep-seated issues with racism and will not be capable of intelligent, empathetic debate until they've cooled down and afforded themselves an education.

Addressing Trayvon without first addressing the absence of critical thinking in our schools, the lack of introspection, the reasons for our low tolerance and our country's skewed value system does nothing more than create a sounding board for the ignorant. So rather than facilitate more racism outcry, I'd like to address young black people specifically.

I believe we lost that trial for Trayvon long before he was killed. Trayvon was doomed the moment ignorance became synonymous with young black America . We lost that case by using media outlets (music, movies, social media, etc.) as vehicles to perpetuate the same negative images and social issues that destroyed the black community in the first place. When we went on record glorifying violent crime and when we voted for a president we never thought to hold accountable. When we signed on to do reality shows that fed into the media's stereotypes of black men, we ingrained an image of Trayvon Martin so overwhelming that who he actually may have been didn't matter anymore.

Don't you find it peculiar that the same media outlets who have worked so diligently to galvanize the negative stigmas of black men in America are now airing open debates on improving the image of black males in American media? Do you honestly think CNN is using their competitive time slots for philanthropy?

"You never want a serious crisis to go to waste." - Rahm Emanuel

If we really wanted to ensure Trayvon Martin's killing was not in vain, we'd stop perpetuating negative images that are now synonymous with black men in America. We'd stop rapping about selling drugs and killing niggas. The next time we saw a man beating a woman, we'd call for help or break it up, but one thing we would not do is stand by with our cellphones out -- yelling WORLDSTAR! Instead of rewarding kids for memorization, we'd reward them for independent and critical thinking.

We'd spend less time subconsciously repeating lyrics about death and murder and more time understanding why we are so willing to twerk to songs that bemean women and boast of having things we cannot afford. We'd set examples of self-love for our youth by honoring our own hair, skin and eye color. We'd stop spending money on designer gear that we should be spending on our physical and psychological health. We'd seek information outside the corporate owned-media that manipulates us. We'd stop letting television babysit our kids and we'd quit regurgitating pundits we haven't come up with on our own.

Education, introspection, self-love and excellence are the only ways to overcome the wrath of ignorance. So before going back to popping molly and getting Turnt Up, I urge you to consider the implications of your actions. Your child's life may depend on it.

Follow Romany Malco on Twitter: www.twitter.com/romanymalco

Footage 4 of Killer Whale attacking Trainer - Seaworld

As much as I enjoyed teasing Ms. X about her "tree hugging" and as much as I relished the idea of making a few of these shirts,

there is something special and beautiful about whales and dolphins.
It's been shown over and over that they do possess intelligence that, as of now, we still don't understand.
I don't like it when folks anthropomorphise animals but it does seem that they are capable of showing a full range of emotions and their ability and willingness to communicate them to us seems fairly remarkable.

A new documentary addresses the issues of what happens when you take an animal with such capabilities and cage it.
Killer whales live in pods, or small family groups.
They travel thousands of miles from one feeding ground to another or to their birthing areas.
To take a member of the herd, pluck it out of the water, away from it's family group and then put it in, what to a whale would be the equivalent of a closet, and made to perform daily for treats, seems fairly radically cruel to me.

If you've been reading the blog for long, you'll know that I'm not exactly Mr. Sensitivity on these issues.
Animals have their place and sometimes their place is a spot on the food chain.
But, there is something about whales that gets to me and the decision to allow them to be captured and put on display seems like it might be worth another look.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

USS Hornet Sunk by Japanese Torpedoes [Full Resolution]

I'll have to double check with "The Source of the Trouble" but I'm pretty sure that my grandfather was on this ship during this battle.
I vaguely remember him telling me a story of how he was on a ship during WWII that was hit and was given the order to abandon ship only to find that order was given in haste and had to scramble back up.

If you knew my grandfather that would make more sense.
"The Source of the Trouble" vividly recalls how, as a little girl, she would sew new stripes on his uniform one week only to take them off again the next.
Apparently, that was a process repeated several times.

I come from a contrary people.
I get it honestly.

Raven Rescue (Crow)

From Treehugger:

After cawing from its perch on a fence for more than an hour, a raven in Nova Scotia finally got some much needed attention. The family on whose fence it sat came out to investigate why it was causing so much racket. Turns out, it was because it had several porcupine quills lodged in its face.

Amazingly, the raven sat there while a woman plucked the quills from its face. It even allowed her to pet it a bit between plucks. Ravens and crows are incredibly smart birds, and they have a long and complicated relationship with humans. Perhaps it would not be stretching science too far to say that there's a chance this raven knew it'd get the help it needed if it made enough of a ruckus. Of course, perhaps not. It could also have been not too keen to fly thanks to the fourth quill lodged in its wing. Either way, it's a video that shows the kinder side of the human spirit when it comes to these brilliant birds.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The story of the Zimmerman Trial just went from tragic and absurd to scary.

On Monday afternoon, the US Department of Justice appealed to civil rights groups and the general public across the country for “tips” on George Zimmerman in their pursuit of potential federal civil rights charges against the just-acquitted defendant in the Trayvon Martin killing. The DOJ actually went so far as to set up an e-mail address to allow such tips: Sanford.florida@usdoj.gov. The email address is slated to go operational by the end of the week.

While I realize that many readers don't agree with either me or the Florida jury that found Zimmerman not guilty, that is our system.
Well, excluding outside political pressure.
Iif you are charged with a crime the state has a chance to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt in front of a jury of your peers.
I know that's not what always happens but that's what is in law.

This search for "tips" by the federal government because it doesn't like the results of a jury trial is such an appalling go around by this administration that we should all be very, very frightened

.
From Breitbart:

Barbara Arnwine, president and executive director of the Lawyers’ Committee for Civil Rights Under Law told the Orlando Sentinel that the DOJ had held a Monday conference call “calling on us to actively refer anyone who had any information” that would help build a case against Zimmerman. "They said they would very aggressively investigate this case,” Arnwine stated.
According to Arnwine, the call began at 3:30 p.m. with Tom Perez, Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Rights Division of the United States DOJ, and representatives of the FBI on the line. Several prosecutors joined the call, too.
Arnwine listed off other organizations represented on the call, including the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund, the ACLU, and several “human relations” groups.

Ben Shapiro is Editor-At-Large of Breitbart News and author of the New York Times bestseller “Bullies: How the Left’s Culture of Fear and Intimidation Silences America” (Threshold Editions, January 8, 2013).

Carly Rae Jepsen Throws Terrible First Pitch

This is why we can't have nice stuff.
Also, why chicks shouldn't be in combat roles: what if this were a grenade, folks?

Think about it.

More Zimmerman Trial updates

Prosecution witness Rachel Jeantel, speaking to Piers Morgan on CNN last night, explained that George Zimmerman had misunderstood the beating he was receiving from Trayvon Martin, and so had the jury in his trial. Zimmerman was not facing a potentially life-threatening "bashing," but simply a "whoop-ass."

They don't understand, they understand, "Oh, he would just bash, or was kill." When somebody bash somebody, like, blood people, trust me, in the area I live, that's not bashing. That's just called "whoop-ass." You just got your ass whooped. That's what it is.
It was Zimmerman's own fault for not understanding the cultural context in which he was being attacked.
Morgan tried to save Jeantel's statement by asking her whether Martin would have "whooped ass" in self-defense. But the damage was done. For a split second, the camera caught a member of the audience reacting in shock, her jaw dropping at Jeantel's admission--and her apparent expectation that Zimmerman should have understood the supposed cultural practice of "whoop-ass," rather than acting to protect his own life.

http://www.breitbart.com/InstaBlog/2013/07/16/Zimmerman-Failed-to-Understand-the-Racial-Context-in-Which-He-was-Being-Whooped

_______________________________________________________________________

Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer sent a letter Monday to U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder supporting the Justice Department decision to review the case to determine whether Martin's civil rights were violated.

"I respect the fact that the jury has spoken ... but I don't think this should be the last word," Boxer wrote in the letter.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Well I have to question that statement.

If Senator Boxer really "respected" the jury's decision she would not be supporting the Attorney General further investigating or charging Zimmerman.

But, this is why we have the jury system folks.

The question before them is always the same:
Did this person commit this crime and has the state proven this beyond a reasonable doubt?

A jury of 6 women thought not in the case of George Zimmerman.
As did the former police chief of Sanford, FL who resigned due to, what he called, "outside pressure".
He didn't believe that a "crime" had been committed in the first place, which is what led to his resignation.

__________________________________________________________________________________

In further not really surprising news, a protest/rally in Los Angeles turned ugly when roughly 100 people splintered from the group and ransacked a Wal Mart.

http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Government/2013/07/15/Zimmerman-protesters-raid-Wal-Mart--stop-freeway

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Remember way back to yesterday when I wrote a personal note to a columnist at Salon.com criticizing his views about what the results of the trial say about the South?

Remember how I said that the south that he was writing about only exists in the minds of his college professors?

Anthea Butler, an Associate Professor of Religious Studies and Graduate Chair in the Department of Religious Studies at the University of Pennsylvania, writes in Religious Dispatches magazine that she has decided that the acquittal of George Zimmerman means that America’s God is a white racist. Butler wrote:

http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Government/2013/07/15/U-Penn-Prof-American-God-Is-a-White-Racist

___________________________________________________________________________________

Another left wing writer refers to Trayvon Martin's death and the acquittal of George Zimmerman as a "return to the era of lynching".

Didn't I just make that lynching commit yesterday?
I must've heard that somewhere but I don't remember where.

Hmmmm....
Anyhoo, the writer, Andrew Sullivan uses many falsehoods and half truths to support his lynching theory.
It's worth a read.

http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Journalism/2013/07/15/Sullivan-lynching-Trayvon

___________________________________________________________________________________

Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) stated that the result of the George Zimmerman trial would “justify the stalking and killing of innocent black boys and deny them any avenue of self-defense.”

http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Government/2013/07/15/Lewis-Zimmerman-Acquittal-Will-Justify-Stalking-Killing-Innocent-Black-Boys

On MSNBC in March, Lewis compared Trayvon Martin’s death with the 1955 lynching of Emmett Till, who was kidnapped, beaten, and shot in the head by two white men after he reportedly flirted with a white cashier at a grocery store.
__________________________________________________________________________________

On Monday, the Associated Press compared the outcome of the George Zimmerman trial to the expulsion of Jackie Robinson from Sanford, Florida some 70 years ago.

http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Journalism/2013/07/15/AP-Sanford-Jackie-Robinson

___________________________________________________________________________________

I hope you all are starting to see what hysterical lunatics these people are.

Monday, July 15, 2013

The New Mad Cow Disease.

"You're next, buddy."

First contender for Quote of the Week Prize* goes to:

"I didn't bring my son up to be killed by a falling cow,"

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2013/07/15/newser-cow-kills-man/2517321/

While many of us debate the current crop of sissies being "raised" like beautiful snowflakes in this country, I think we can all agree that we are not raising our sons to be killed by falling cows.

No sir.

Not me, not now.

Not by a falling pig or a falling cow.

(Did you see what I did there?)

(I "Seussed" it up for ya'!)

(You're Welll-Come)

* No Actual Prize

** It's Honorific.

*** That is too a word.

**** Look it up.

***** Your Mom is!

******** Yeah, well up yours too, PAL!!!

News Reporter Explains How to Handle a Bear Encounter

Knowledge is power!

And meanwhile, the rest of the world seemed go on, almost as if the Zimmerman trial wasn't the only news worth talking about.

http://news.sky.com/story/1116219/mexico-zetas-drug-cartel-leader-captured

Mexican marines have captured the leader of the brutal Zetas drug cartel, officials have announced.

Miguel Angel Trevino Morales, known as El Cuarenta or Z-40, was caught before dawn in Nuevo Laredo in northern Mexico, government spokesman Eduardo Sanchez told reporters.

Trevino Morales, 40, was in a truck with his bodyguard and an accountant when he was arrested on a dirt road in the town on the US border.

Eight guns and $2m (£1.3m) in cash was seized from the vehicle, Mr Sanchez said.

Trevino Morales has been charged with murder, torture, kidnapping and other crimes.

His capture is a victory for President Enrique Pena Nieto, who came into office promising to drive down crime levels, but has struggled to do so.

The Zetas, founded by deserters from an elite army unit, have carried out some of Mexico's bloodiest massacres, biggest jail breaks and fiercest attacks on authorities.

The gang earned its notoriety for brutality by becoming the first to publicly display their beheaded rivals - most infamously two police officers in April 2006 in the resort city of Acapulco.

The severed heads were found on spikes outside a government building with a message signed "Z'' that said: "So that you learn to respect."

Trevino Morales took control of the Zetas following the death of one of its founders, Heriberto "The Executioner" Lazcano, in October 2012.

Mexican troops killed Lazcano in a gunfight in the northern state of Coahuila.

But just hours later, gunmen burst into a funeral home and stole his body, which has never been recovered.

Trevino Morales' brutality is well-known among his men, his rivals and Nuevo Laredo citizens.

One technique favoured by Trevino Morales was the "guiso", or stew, which saw enemies placed in 55-gallon (250-litre) drums and burned alive.

Others who crossed the commander would be beaten with wooden planks.

"If you get called to a meeting with him, you're not going to come out of that meeting," said a US law-enforcement official in Mexico City, who spoke to AP news agency on condition of anonymity.

Trevino Morales, 40, is expected to be succeeded by his brother, Omar, a former low-ranking turf boss seen as far weaker than his older brother.

Miguel Angel Trevino Morales began his career as a teenager in the Los Tejas gang, which controlled most crime in Nuevo Laredo, his home town.

He soon graduated from washing cars and running errands to running drugs across the border, and was recruited into the Gulf cartel, which absorbed Los Tejas.

Originally, the Zetas acted as the armed wing of the Gulf cartel, but the two groups split in recent years, sparking brutal turf wars in northern Mexico.

The US State Department had offered a $5m (£3.3m) reward for Trevino Morales, while Mexico had a £1.5m bounty.

Everybody just relax!

Finally, Katy Perry has thrown her hefty bust into the Zimmerman/Martin debate and, if you were concerned about which side of the argument her chest would land on, rest your weary head on her heaving bosom, close your eyes, and dream a little dream:

Pop singer Katy Perry and the son of Mia Farrow agree on one thing regarding the acquittal of George Zimmerman--it confirms their feelings that America remains a racist society.

Ronan Farrow, the biological son of the actress and her former beau, Woody Allen,unleashed a tweet today bemoaning the state of the U.S. judicial system in the wake of Zimmerman's not guilty verdict in the Trayvon Martin killing case. And Perry was only too proud to retweet Farrow's race-obsessed viewpoint:

Ugh, my tummy turns. RT “@RonanFarrow: American justice: still colorblind (as long as you're white).”

__________________________________________________________________________________

This from Salon.com:

On Monday, Edward Wyckoff Williams of Salon.com put his finger on the real problem with America’s simmering racial conflict in the aftermath of the George Zimmerman verdict: “white rage.” Wyckoff Williams claimed, “in the American South it seems white folks suddenly believe that decorum and charm are a proper response to unspeakable acts of violence and unconscionable injustice…. Sanford police coyly ‘tolerated’ the actual killing of an unarmed black child, but yet refuse to ‘tolerate’ any anger expressed for the acquittal of his murderer. This is the new Jim Crow realized.” In other words, when a Hispanic man kills a young black man in self-defense, that’s thanks to white people being angry.

Wyckoff continued, “This arrogant call to remain calm in the face of such fatal injustice reveals a basic disregard for the humanity of black people. It is this fundamental disconnect — an unwillingness or inability to see African-Americans as fully realized human beings — that allows whites to blindly ignore the need for equal treatment and equal justice.” In fact, Wyckoff says, “white rage” lies behind President Obama’s political troubles: “President Barack Obama is not immune — as he’s become the target of incessant ‘white rage’: race-baiting attacks, prejudice and bias even prior to his election. The Republican Party and its neo-Confederate Tea Party wing has been committed to invalidating his political and legislative legacy as much as the Zimmerman jury invalidated the civil rights of Trayvon.”

To demonstrate that this pernicious “white rage” permeates America, Wyckoff cites two white race riots…from 1921 and 1923. The sentence for being black, Wyckoff says, is “death without parole.”

Ben Shapiro is Editor-At-Large of Breitbart News and author of the New York Times bestseller “Bullies: How the Left’s Culture of Fear and Intimidation Silences America” (Threshold Editions, January 8, 2013).

___________________________________________________________________________________

Seriously though, this is the guy police saw when they showed up to investigate the shooting of Trayvon Martin:

This guy, with the blood coming out of his face and the back of his head, claimed that he was attacked by this sweet little guy,

and that he fired his gun in self defense.

Clearly, he is a liar, white supremacist, and he's on a mission to end all minorities.

Case closed.

http://www.breitbart.com/InstaBlog/2013/07/11/Former-Sanford-Police-Chief-City-Wanted-an-Arrest-Mishandled-Evidence

Except, at the time of his death Martin was more like this:

The coroner's autopsy reported that at the time of his death, Martin was 5'11" and 158 lb.s.
Not huge but not the cuddly boy shown in the picture above and roughly the same size I am right now.
(I'm 6 ft. on a good day and have fluctuated between 175 and 185 over the past few years.)

The real story is a nervous man with a gun, Zimmerman, intersects with an angry young black man, Martin, and a tragic death ensues.

It's been part comedy, part tragedy, and all head-scratchingly confusing to watch the media bend this story into a modern lynching.

(Ed. Note: I wrote this a couple hours ago, had dinner, and came back home to find this story:)
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2364493/NAACP-convention-held-just-miles-site-George-Zimmerman-trial-unofficial-Justice-For-Trayvon-rally.html

Except that none of the facts support that story.

Ed.Note 2: One of the jurors comments that she thought Martin threw the first punch.
http://www.cnn.com/2013/07/15/justice/zimmerman-juror-book/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

But, since a black teenager was shot by a white male the narrative is already set.

Nancy Grace took a clip of the 911 audio tape and turned Zimmerman saying "f@#ing cold" into "f@#ing coon".

MSNBC did admit it's mistake and apologize - 2 weeks later.

http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Journalism/2013/07/15/Nancy-Grace-Still-falsely-claiming-Fucking-coon

And, you'd be a pretty good gambler if you bet against The Reverend Al Sharpton just about everytime.

From Tawana Brawley to Trayvon Martin he is almost universally on the wrong side of the facts.

But, don't expect that to slow him down.

The media has a narrative to tell and it goes something likes this;

"Middle-class white American's don't like you and now here's more proof (insert new story here)".

The truth is most people don't care one way or another what color you are or where you're from .or who you sleep with.

If you show up and you're polite, not a complete pain in the ass, and do the things you're supposed to do people, by and large, will respond in kind, or at the very least leave you be.

I'm 43 as of a couple days ago and have yet to be invited or even accidentally stumble into, "the angry white guy meeting" where a bunch of overweight 50 somethings in bad suits and matching tupees hatch new and improved ways to keep "those people" in their place.

Maybe they're still happening but my Evite must be getting sent to an old email account.

___________________________________________________________________________________

As for Mr. Wyckoff Williams of Salon.com:

I am a middle aged (more or less) white guy (more or less) from the south and I take great offense to your comments.

Having lived in Florida for my first 20 years and having lived in Georgia for the past 20 years, I can tell you that the south you are picturing only exists in the minds of the college professors that filled your head with such garbage.

Maybe you could actually do a little traveling and expand your view sometime.
I would be surprised to learn that you've ever actually crossed the Mason-Dixon Line.

I've spent a fair amount of time in the wonderland of NYC where you and all your bright-eyed, bushy-tailed,and opened minded friends make your home and I can tell you that I've seen and heard many more bigoted, ugly remarks there than here.

And, I would add that the most ugly remarks that I've heard have not come from white middle-anything America, but people like you who think they know it all and have the right to dictate to me how I should think, feel, and live.

Kindly go f@#k yourself.

Sugar.

XOXO,

EPPdF

P.S. Boobs

_________________________________________________________________________________

Follow up:

http://dailycaller.com/2013/07/14/ann-coulter-slams-media-mississippi-burning-narrative-after-zimmerman-verdict/

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/crime/blog/bs-md-trayvon-martin-george-zimmerman-monday-20130715,0,5135359.story

http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/07/15/justice-for-trayvon-rally-shuts-down-major-newark-intersection/

http://abcnews.go.com/US/zimmermans-parents-hiding-enormous-amount-death-threats-abc/story?id=19670456#.UeTCC42ThSQ

http://www.infowars.com/oakland-police-stood-down-as-rioters-terrorized-drivers/

http://www.latimes.com/news/nation/nationnow/la-na-nn-trayvon-martin-sunday-protests-20130715,0,7388147.story

http://www.newsmax.com/Newswidget/Dershowitz-zimmerman-defamation/2013/07/15/id/515150?promo_code=11102-1&utm_source=11102Real_Clear_Politics&utm_medium=nmwidget&utm_campaign=widgetphase1

And, finally, El Supremo in Chief, Mr. President, asks the nation to "Just be cool, man" in response to the Zimmerman verdict.
Convenient since his comment at the very outset of this story hitting the press helped to further inflame racial tensions and give relevance, and dare I say, Gravitas, to the story.

Nice job.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/14/obama-makes-statement-following-zimmerman-verdict/?hpt=hp_t2

(Remember Gravitas? Such a buzzword way back when. How much I miss those simpler times.)

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Gillian Welch - Make Me A Pallet On Your Floor

Watch this and see how perfectly quiet the audience is all the way thru.
Hard to imagine such a group any where else.
The song/performance is pretty great.
Rawlings and Welch's guitars blend so well if you close your eyes you'll swear it's just one playing.
It's beautiful how seamless they are.

The Weight - Gillian Welch & Old Crow Medicine Show

I am amazerized!

Dear Neighbor Fred and I saw Gillian Welch at Variety Playhouse a couple years ago and were blown away. So good. And the crowd was so into her music you could've heard a pin drop - literally - while she was playing, but when she finished one song the whole house would erupt into applause and hoots and hollers. It was great to be there and be a part of it.
And 2 of the best concerts I've ever seen where Old Crow Medicine shows at The Fox.
If you have the chance - run. Don't walk. Run directly to the show.
Jump up and down, sing along, and thoroughly enjoy!

Kevin Pollak as Christopher Walken on The Adam Carolla Show 11-13-2012

A hilarious bit of comedy improv with 3 fav's.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

My dog introduced me.

Mikey is such a considerate dog.
He's always introducing me to new people.
Take our Sunday night stroll for instance.
Mikey and I were doing our evening walk.
I had the Ipod cranked up to "Rupture Nerves" when I noticed the couple I was just about to go around looking in my general direction and moving their mouths in a way that suggested speech.
I was intrigued by this and turned the Ipod off.

And then I stood on the sidewalk in front of Highland Tap chatting to Dean and Tanya from Philadelphia for the next 20 minutes or so.
Such a nice couple that I ended up trading phone numbers with them and actually calling them later to see if they had time for dinner. They had other obligations but we chatted and exchanged texts a couple more times and I genuinely hope they stay touch.

Turns out, Welsh Warrior Dean Williams is kind of a big deal in the boxing world.

That's him on the right with Antonio Silva, a big time MMA champ, on the left.

Pretty cool.
Thanks dog!

Love this dog.

Just about 75% of the people I've met over the past few years are because someone stopped to say something kind about him or ask where he was from or just got used to seeing me walking with him everyday.

Alan Ford is Brick Top (Snatch)

Another great and underrated movie.
A pre-Madonna Guy Ritchie brings it and Brad Pitt finally shows some real acting chops.

Kevin Pollak reading a piece of "Go the F*** To Sleep" as Christopher Wa...

Guns N' Roses - Bad Time - Sweet Child O' Mine - Indiana '91

Just watch the first few seconds of this video.

I am strangely taken with it.

Is Axl insane?
Is he a vocal genius?
A true artist in the vein of Picasso or that dude that splattered paint on a canvas and called it art?
Is he crazy like a fox?
Like a crazy singing fox with one eye on the current cycle of pop music garbage and one eye slyly winking at the rest of us while he cashes checks for gazillions of dollars for screaming like someone stepping on a cat that just gargled with roofing nails before retiring early and running off into his crazy, rich, singing fox sunset?

I don't know.

But the first 30 seconds of this video contains all the clues you'll need to solve this riddle.

Good luck my friends.
May God be with you.

(You'll need help from a higher power.)

Jayhawks - Settled Down Like Rain

This is an awful video but the song is still great.

These have such great harmonies.
And sound of that B-3 kicks ass.

The Jayhawks-Take Me With You When You Go

Another great Jayhawks song from their early career.
It's hard to believe that this album was released in 1992.

An interesting take on the new Lone Ranger movie and Johnny Depp's career.

In a Real and Tangible Way, The Lone Ranger Is the Most Important Film of 2013

By Dustin Rowles | Film Reviews | July 3, 2013 | Comments (101)

Johnny Depp’s film career since the first Pirates of the Caribbean has been a baffling mystery to me: Why would a guy so selective and daring in his film choices in the first part of his career (he only had one $100 million movie in the first 19 years of his career, and that only came 15 years in [Sleepy Hollow]) suddenly begin taking on these huge movies, like the Pirates sequels, The Tourist, Alice in Wonderland, and now Disney’s The Lone Ranger? Here’s a guy we used to associate with Terry Gilliam, Jim Jarmusch, and those quirky, gothic Tim Burton films, and now he’s suddenly making a $215 million Disney film based on an old television show that — like Dark Shadows — no one really gives a damn about anymore.

Looking over at his supporting cast in The Lone Ranger, however, it all began to make sense. This is not the work of a man looking out for himself. It’s not a selfish profit motive. No. Johnny Depp is a goddamn giver. He is a patron of great actors. After spending so much time toiling away in smaller, more challenging movies and never receiving a paycheck worthy of his talent, Johnny Depp has decided to do what no one did for him: Provide talented people with hefty paychecks for little work, hefty paychecks that allow them to live comfortably while they’re making better, more artistic movies, like the kind that Johnny Depp used to make.

Consider the fact that W. Earl Brown, who has one scene in The Lone Ranger, probably made more for that one scene than his last 20 roles combined. Or that the brilliant character actor, William Fichtner — who plays the villain in The Lone Ranger — probably made more for making this movie than he’s made his entire career up to this point. Or Ruth Wilson, the devilishly amazing redhead from BBC’s “Luther,” who not only got paid incredibly well, she landed a high-profile role that will allow her to make more, better films, like the ones she deserves to make. Tom Wilkinson has been nominated for two Oscars, and yet he made more on The Lone Ranger than in both of those movies combined. Times two. James Badge Dale got no appreciation for “Rubicon,” and was mostly cut out of World War Z, but The Lone Ranger gives him needed exposure to elevate him into the mainstream because he, too, is a worthy talent. Plus, Stephen Root, people! Three scenes probably fetched him $100,000 at least, which means that he’s not going to have to start teaching acting classes at an adult ed anytime soon.

Never mind that The Lone Ranger is a lousy movie — and it is a lousy movie — the $215 million spent on this two and a half hour sh*tshow probably employed 2000 people. There are countless gaffes, prop people, craft services outfits, set designers, and computer graphics people who can pay to put their kids through college thanks to The Lone Ranger. Johnny Depp single-handedly put a dent in the unemployment rate. He made a lot of Christmases happy ones. He allowed people to pay off mortgages, replace busted up cars, and put decent meals on the table. Do you have any idea how much good $215 million can do? Johnny Depp made that happen, and there’s probably not another actor who could’ve secured that much money for a movie this sh*tty.

Ultimately, what’s the harm in that? So, you spend an interminable two and a half hours sitting on your ass in an air-conditioned theater in the middle of the summer? Big deal! Think of the thousands who benefited from your unpleasant movie-going experience. THINK OF THE GREATER GOOD, PEOPLE.

Besides, the movie is not all bad. You do get to hear the “Lone Ranger Theme,” and it is spectacular (even better if you just close your eyes and absorb it, rather than watch the 17-hour action sequence that unfolds in front of you). Johnny Depp is also fitfully amusing, if you can get over the fact that he’s playing a Native American with a goddamn bird on his head. In fact, the idea behind the film — that a Native American thought of as a sidekick is actually the brains of the operation — is an interesting and noble one, and it’s not like an actual Native American could’ve gotten a $215 million film greenlit. Armie Hammer is not that bad, either; he manages to deftly straddle the line between hopelessly naive and heroic, and with a better script and less handlers on the movie, he probably could’ve made something somewhat memorable.

In fact, if they’d trimmed the movie by an hour, gotten rid of the embarrassingly bad framing device, the f***ing bird, and nixed the goofy animal sequences (like Silver drinking a beer and burping, or feral CGI rabbits devouring a piece of meat), The Lone Ranger would’ve been merely a forgettable action film, rather than the wretched, nearly unwatchable film that it is.

Indeed, there might have been an interesting film buried deep within The Lone Ranger, a $40 million film, perhaps, with a quarter of the special-effects sequences, a more thoughtful director than Gore Verbinski, and one writer with a vision instead of three with a financial agenda. But then, a $40 million film wouldn’t have employed nearly as many people, would it have? Would it have been a more enjoyable, thought-provoking film that better captured what the slaughter of Native American tribes meant, rather than turning it into a plot point designed to elevate a white man and a Native American played by a white man into heroes? Sure! Absolutely! But that wouldn’t have tested well with audiences, and do you have any idea how many market researchers are employed by a $215 million film? A lot, because a $215 million investment has to be protected, and how better to protect such an investment than by rounding off all the edges and removing anything in the film that might provoke something other than slack-jawed stupor?

Johnny Depp has done something important here: He has employed a village; he has brought financial reward to talented actors; and he has given us countless action sequences in return. This is an important movie, and if you want Johnny Depp to continue to do the important work of employing America, you should buy a ticket to The Lone Ranger, not because you want it to succeed (who cares? That money has already been spent!), but because it will allow Johnny Depp to continue providing jobs to thousands of people, and scores of otherwise thankless actors, who are typically paid scale (or less) to do artistic films which they then have to spend days and days promoting. Johnny Depp has given them a handsomely-paid vacation. And, as the most expensive film of 2013, that also makes The Lone Ranger the most important one in terms of creating jobs and stimulating the Hollywood economy.

So thank you, Johnny Depp, for making this heinous, overlong, dreadful pointless piece of sh*t! The next time I see James Badge Dale or Ruth Wilson as the leads in much better films, or Stephen Root or William Fichtner in a great cable drama, I will think of the exhausting day and a half I spent in the theater watching The Lone Ranger and remember that you made their lives financially comfortable enough that they could steal a few scenes in “Boardwalk Empire” or “Justified.”