So, there's this band...

...and the band wrote a couple of hit songs;  songs that were quite good actually, and that you've most likely heard.

You've probably heard of a little group called Kings of Leon.

One of the songs that was quite goodest by Kings of Leon is called "Sex on Fire".
It's a catchy little number for sure.
And, as you may have guessed, the song is about (ahem) "thinkin' bout baseball".

You may not be aware that the lead singer wrote this little dirty ditty about his "special time" with his "special lady friend".
And, that he enjoyed his "special time" with his "special lady friend" so much, that it was part of the reason the band had to postpone their world tour.

I don't want to be the one to tell tales out of school here, but here's his "special lady friend":

Her name is Lily Aldridge.

She's a Victoria's Secret model.

A Victoria's Secret model who enjoys sex with her man so very, very much that:

1.)  He wrote a hit song about it.

B.)  He had to postpone a world tour and be hospitalized for "exhaustion".


Friends, I don't throw out phrases like "Modern Hero" often but I think there needs to be a special category created for this type of lady so that she can be given all of the appropriate accolades and recognition that are her rightful due.
Certainly there'd be a parade and ribbon cutting - I'll get back to you on the details but suffice it to say that I've already been in touch with the historical commission regarding the marble marker to be placed on the exact spot where this remarkable young woman of both vision and courage used her vagina for the good of all mankind.
Maybe an annual charity fun run would be in order(?)
We could raise money and awareness and encourage other hot, young, Victoria's Secret models to use their va-jaja's in similar fashion - to improve the lives of the less fortunate, or maybe to help survivors of brain cancer re-enter mainstream society and help them cope with PTSD.

That's it!!!

The El Pinche Pirata del Fuego Annual Hoo-Ha's Hope for the Cure Fast Dash and Fun Run!!!

That has a nice ring to it.

I salute you, Miss Victoria's Secret Model Lady.


Kings of Leon, Sex on Fire
Lay where you're laying,

don't make a sound

I know they're watching, they're watching

All the commotion, 

the kiddie like play

Has people talking, talking

You, your sex is on fire
The dark of the alley, 

the breaking of day

The head while I'm driving, I'm driving

Soft lips are open, knuckles are pale

Feels like you're dying, you're dying

You, your sex is on fire

Consumed with what's to transpire
Hot as a fever, rattling bones

I could just taste it, taste it

If it's not forever, if it's just tonight

Oh, it's still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest

You, your sex is on fire

And you, your sex is on fire

Consumed with what's to transpire
And you, your sex is on fire

Consumed with what's to transpire

Read more: KINGS OF LEON - SEX ON FIRE LYRICS

Being bad feels pretty good, doesn't it?

I'm only a little proud of myself but in my defense, I told 2 people I was going to steal the poster.

People never believe me.

It's a shame really.

But I go way, way back with Jon Bender and TBC and there was no way in hell I was gonna leave that poster locked in the display at Rosebud!

No, Sir!
Not me, NOT NOW!!!

Ed. Note:

It started with the bomb scare at Coldwell Bankers in VaHi, so really you can't blame me.
I mean, I couldn't get home b/c of the police diverting traffic and all, so I did the only logical thing and went to The Family Dog and had a "Car Bomb" with Martin.

It just fel right.

And, since I stole the poster from Rosebud across the street, it just seemed fair to do a shot of Jameson with the bartenders there.

I mean, if you're gonna get all "sticky fingers" and what not, you've gotta do the right thing and buy the folks behind the bar a drink, right?

It's just plain ol' good "bar etiquette" -  just like momma taught you.

When I got home I was feelin' pretty tight, so I got Mikey out to take him for a walk and the neighbors were having a drink on the porch and I didn't want to be rude.

It would be insulting if I had just walked past and was all, 

" Sorry guys.  Can't have a beer with you 'cause I'm way too busy on a Friday night to stop and chat and socialize.  I'm very important and currently my calendar is just too full to sit and talk but I'd be glad to put you down sometime in the next week or two.  Let's get together soon!"

Jeez!  

What am I?

Some kinda dick, or what?

So I sat and chatted with Rich and Tara and Peter and Diana, and Mikey was running around in the front yard not being too big a nuisance, and I was comparing notes on The Black Crowes concert at The Tabernacle with Rich, and  DonnaDonna from Highland Tap walked up with her friend Danielle and, well, the night just started to run away from me.

And the next thing I know, I'm at The Clermont Lounge doing tequila shots with an Outlaw biker and talking to a sassy overweight woman of color who happens to be running her fingers thru my hair and telling me how she'd really like to "show me her tattoo" and just having a grand ol' time.

That's the thing about The Clermont.

It's very egalitarian in it's very own dive bar sort of way.

In a world that has morphed into a quasi-Disneyland, corporate, plastic-fantastic, "Brave New World" of nothingness, where the priorities are being safe and being a beautiful snowflake just like everyone else, The Clermont Lounge is the last bastion of the old neighborhood bars and a home, a safe haven to the unruly characters that used to inhabit Atlanta before gentrification.  

A place where a handsome, young, go-getter with an eyepatch can socialize with a true old school biker and a woman of color, or anyone else who can pony up the 8 bucks to get past "D" at the door without fear of recrimination.

A living sculpture of "flying your freak flag", a monument to individualism, a cathedral of chaos, scars, and tattoos, keeping it real 24/7.

Fighting the good fight against "the man", all day, every day.

Across this line, you do not cross.

One second you're tucking singles into the G-string of a woman who is roughly your mother's age and the next you're waking up on the couch at 4:30 in the morning wondering what the heck just happened.

Bam!

You've been "Clermont-ed"!!!

And you're a better person for it.

Again:  The only rule you need to know when you go to The Clermont Lounge is never, NEVER, nevernevernever drink anything that doesn't come in a sealed container.  

NEVER.

I can not over emphasize this enough.

http://www.rosebudatlanta.com/

A few ideas for kick-starter.com gifts!

So I'm thinking of throwing this Kickstarter thing up against the wall to see what happens.
If you, dear reader (did I mention how smart and thin you look today, by the by?) pledge certain monies for my travel book, How to Cook a Pirate, I will send you one, or potentially all, of these wonderful and thoughtful gifts below.
Seriously?
Have you been working out?

Check out Kickstarter.com

The tour t-shirt

The Book - How to Cook a Pirate

A copy of Escape From New York featuring Snake Plissken!

Become an officially deputized member of Los Pinches Piratas del Fuego!

Maybe some signed and framed photos from the "tour"?

The good Cardinal Martin writes in to discuss post collegiate, post rock n roll lifestyle choices

From:  El Pinche Pirata del Fuego
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2013 1:20 PM
To:  Cardinal Martin
Cc: Keith, Casey
Subject: rock n roll vs. religious aspirations

Dear Cardinal Martin,

Keith informed me that you were part of a touring band way back in your seminary days.

Would you care to confirm or deny that allegation now that you are a man of the cloth?

If this statement is true, can you explain the positive and negative effects of that past hedonistic lifestyle choice on your more esteemed position as a member of the clergy?

In light of some of your colleagues less than ideal decisions in personnel matters, particularly regarding members (ahem) of same sex unions, could you explore your memories and insights of sharing what amounts to "a rolling dorm room" with several young men?

I would appreciate your answer being in iambic pentameter.



Yours Truly,

EPPdF

___________________________________________________________________________________

From:  The Good Cardinal Martin

Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2013 2:20 PM
To: El Pinche Pirata del Fuego
Cc: Keith, Casey
Subject: rock n roll vs. religious aspirations

Oh yes it is true, that once I did rock.

I stood on the stage, one hand on my c$%k. (sorry, Casey)

And one on my axe, with strings made of steel.

I’d belt out a tune, a jam, or a reel.

We’d hit the road and we’d get to the show,

I’d drink too much beer, the roadies did blow. (we didn’t have roadies)

A solo so loud that melted your face

And panties were thrown, some cotton, some lace.

GA and SC were our stomping grounds.

We packed out the club, I packed on the pounds.

But marriage, divorce, and kids they all came,

And that was the end of The Five Foot Flame.

http://www.myspace.com/thefivefootflame

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AowfANRSVOE   (poor sound quality)

http://www.gigposters.com/band/28230_Five_Foot_Flame.html

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cyberkode/550245956/in/photostream/

http://www.evilsponge.org/concert/OtherSound06__Day2.htm  ( this guy said I play complicated new wave bass riffs, and I don’t even know what that means)

http://performermag.com/Archives/new_sep.liverevs.php (here they quote lyrics I wrote about getting drunk and making booty calls, only I made sound more indie rock and less hip hop)

We played for about 5-6 years and had a blast. Recorded a few EP’s, got played on the radio, did 2 live shows that were broadcast over Georgia Tech and Georgia State’s radio stations. We also had an article written about us in The Gamecock which was the college newspaper of the school the guitar player and I met at. It was awesome. I miss it all the time. It was the last time I felt cool. Now I'm just and old married dude with a kid that lives in the ‘burbs. But I do get to go hang out with awesome people at awesome concerts from time to time ;).

And I truly am a man of the cloth. I am officially ordained by The Universal Life Church and I am legally capable of performing religious ceremonies including but not limited to weddings. I am not, however, allowed to perform circumcisions. I actually have a wedding in 3 weeks that I'm doing. So if any of you feel the need to tie the knot, I will gladly make it official for you.

Go in peace, my children.

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: El Pinche Pirata del Fuego
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2013 2:30 PM
To: 'Clint Martin'
Cc: Keith Casey
Subject: rock n roll vs. religious aspirations

Dear Cardinal Martin,

I "heart" you!

That response was 100% better than I could have ever hoped.

Yours truly,

EPPdF

__________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________

	Event:		The 2006 Other Sound Music Festival- Day 2
	Date:		Friday.8.September.2006
	Location:		The EARL in East Atlanta, GA
	Artists:		Five Foot Flame, Engineering, The Preakness, Faith Kleppinger, Gentleman Caller, Ultrababyfat
	Reviewed by:		Tracers and PostLibyan
	Photographs by:		PostLibyan
			Review
	PostLibyan:		On Thursday John Graham from Two Sheds Records told us that Friday night was the money-maker for The Other Sound Festival. It features the Festival's biggest band, in one of Atlanta 's most respected indie rock venues. It promised to be an entertaining time, and we were looking forward to it. A few months back, Tracers and i got to The Drunken Unicorn for some show only to find that a band was already playing at 9:30. We saw them do 2 really fine songs of deep new wave, and i thoroughly enjoyed what little i saw. Based on that brief view, we made a serious effort to be at The EARL at 8 PM on a Friday to catch Five Foot Flame. And they did not disappoint. They are a four-piece band, with more than a few pedals. They bassist plays complicated new wave parts, and drummer Marco really beats his kit. I am most impressed with the voice of vocalist Michael Bentley. At times, he really nails the vocals in a way that reminds me of She Wants Revenge. I know that everyone disses that band as being retro new wave fluff, but i happen to really enjoy them. And yes, i think that Mr. Bentley does sing in that deep dramatic way that annoys some people, but i find that it really works with the loud distorted guitar and complex rhythms of the band. Overall, i enjoyed their set once again, and will continue to be on the look out for this band. Five Foot Flame is vocal action.

___________________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________

The Five Foot Flame /
Gravel Undertone
Lenny’s Bar
Atlanta, GA
May 4

Walking into the dive that is Lenny’s only to see a girl in angel wings playing the violin is not exactly the scenario one would find themselves in on any other night. But, anyone who ventured out to see one or all of the five bands that played that Thursday night was lucky enough to witness quite possibly the longest set ever out of Gravel Undertone. The use of the violin in a live show was definitely a posh touch, yet the implementation of heavy metal-inspired guitars looped through computer equipment made the sound slightly hard to swallow.

Following Gravel Undertone was the Five Foot Flame, a band that could very well be one of the best acts in Atlanta that you don’t know about yet — simply because they don’t play very often. The band definitely has a grasp on the type of music it’s playing, which could be described as a stimulating mix of ’80s new-wave pop and indie-inspired rock. Michael Bentley’s suave presence in front of the crowd gave off a serious vibe that fit well with his baritone vocals and lyrical content of the band’s catchy songs. Theirs is the kind of music you might think you’d hear in a Molly Ringwald movie, only so much better. The song performance that stood out the most was “The Hook,” and when the chorus begins “You only call me when you’re wasted / And I remember how you’ve wasted my time,” you could almost see the heads in the crowd nodding with recognition of that drunk dial Bentley seems to be singing about. Put the Five Foot Flame on your list of new bands to check out this year.

-Leah Baker; photo by Susan Wile Schwarz 

...and then, a confused koala sat down in front of me. He had a poodle under one arm and a naked blonde to his left. The Koala says to the bartender.....

This koala looks rather sad. But who can blame him?

According to Australia's Wildlife Information, Rescue and Education Service(WIRES), the sub-adult male koala was recently discovered sitting atop the remnants of what was once his home in Vittoria State Forest, New South Wales. Although the logging operation was approved by the forestry service, judging by the koala's confused expression, not everyone got the memo.

"Koalas would have been moved out of their homes in preparation for planned logging activities," says WIRES general manager, Leanne Taylor.

"It is common for koalas to roam back to their home range afterwards and become confused to find nothing there. A worker noticed a koala had been sitting stationary in broad daylight on top of wood piles for over an hour."

The perplexed marsupial, found to have an injury on its eye, was transfered to a local vet before being relocated once again back into a different patch of forest. Forestry workers found three other koalas at the clearcut site and they were transfered as well.

The Crowes, man!

Another great night with my favorite band, The Black Crowes, last night at The Tabernacle!

I've seen many of their shows over the past 6 years or so, some better than others, but I've never been to one that I didn't enjoy - it's just a choice between better and best.

I don't think last night's show was one of the best I've seen -
I think that title belongs to the first show I caught when they started touring again back in 2005/2006 at The Alabama Theater in Birmingham  - but I think I probably had the most fun last night.

Keith, one of my oldest and bestest friends, Clint, my theological and menu advisor, and pretty lady-friend Casey, who is genetically engineered to create trouble, all met me at The Tabernacle and we proceeded to "whoop" it up until they turned the lights on and chased us out.

I rode the bike into town and over to Ruth Chris at Centennial Olympic Park and had a beer on their patio overlooking the park, which at full Atlanta spring glory, is just beautiful.

I had to pay $20 to park the bike right next to The Tabernacle (awful) but I scored the very first space so the cops outside could clearly watch it being stolen while they wrote tickets for expired meters, so that made me feel safer.

I was able to get home safe and sound without any big scares but I should probably have switched to water and soda somewhere around the 4th song.
Lesson learned.

Beer, bikes, and eyepatches don't mix, my friends.
You heard it here first.

Good times!

Also, in the past 2 or 3 days, I've been told that I look like Chris Robinson and Sven Pipien.


I prefer Snake.  Snake Plissken.

The good Cardinal Martin was kind enough to send the set list from last night's show.

• 1. Under a Mountain 
  2. Good Friday 
  3. Nebakanezer 
  4. One Mirror Too Many 
  5. Blackberry 
  6. Girl From a Pawnshop 
  7. Medicated Goo 
     (Traffic cover)
  8. High Head Blues 
  9. By Your Side 
  10. Wiser Time 
  11. She Talks to Angels 
  12. Thorn in My Pride 
  13. Soul Singing 
  14. Remedy 
  15. Hard to Handle 
      (Otis Redding cover)
  16. Hush 
      (Billy Joe Royal cover)
  17. Encore:
  17. Jealous Again 
  18. Oh Josephine 
  19. Oh! Sweet Nuthin' 
      (The Velvet Underground cover)
      
      

El Pinche Pirata 2013 U.S. Summer Tour!

http://goo.gl/maps/VWEHA

The El Pinche Pirata 2013 U.S. Summer Tour has entered the planning phase.
Your expert opinions and advice are welcome.

So far.

Atlanta to -

Chattanooga, TN  

Asheville, NC   

Reston, VA ( DC for the rest of you)

Philadelphia, PA

NYC

Boston, MA

Providence, RI

Bangor, ME

Montreal - Canada baby!

Detroit, MI

Just realized the Harley Museum is just down the road in Milwaukie, WI - have to go there!

The Dogwood Festival, the potential for zombie dogs, and my friends at The Family Dog

It was another beautiful weekend here in Atlanta, GA.
I was up fairly early both days and got lots done and had time to enjoy the sunshine and blue skies and met lots of great folks.

I made it to The Dogwood Festival to see my good friend Keith and his family.
I even got to hold his 3 y.o.'s hand and walk into a few booths to see quality art.
Logan was particularly moved by several horse sculptures.
Kelsey, Keith's little girl, let me kiss her right on the cheek when we said our goodbyes!
(No small accomplishment - the beard and the eye patch kinda freak her out.)

I rode the bike over to Oakhurst to have margaritas in the sunshine with new and old friends.
We had such fun cutting up that we eventually persuaded 2 other tables to join us + Boots the dog.
It was great.

I ended the afternoon at The Family Dog where I inserted myself into another table's conversation yet again and ended up making 4 new friends and having a bunch more laughs.
The group was enjoying an Eyepatch IPA so I showed them the ad I made last October for
Monday Night Brewing:

"Hi. I'm El Pinche Pirata del Fuego and after a long ride thru the scenic northwest mountains on my extremely heterosexual, American made, big V-twin motorcycle, nothing tastes better than an Eyepatch IPA from Monday Night Brewing Company.MmmMmm....I can already taste those hops and things and such that the fair maidens at Monday Night Brewing Company hand pick, at night, under a full moon, just to bring that hearty "Pirata" flavor to you.Monday Night Brewing Company. They're MY kinda beer."



I felt like myself again.
It was good to see me after several months of dealing with this S.O.B. doppleganger that's taken over.
That guy's' a jerk.
Nothing but bitchin' and whinin' outta him.



Yesterday afternoon I went out to pick up the dog from the kennel.
We've been working so much that he's been on lockdown for 57 days.
It's a bummer but when you're working 90 hours a week and switching back and forth b/n days and nights, there's just no time for pups.

The Schutzhund dog club that helped me train Mikey https://www.facebook.com/GreaterAtlantaSchutzhundAssociation were having a little impromptu training session and picnic - such a nice group of people and they invited me to put Mikey on the field for a minute.
We haven't trained much since NYC in 2009 so I took them up on it.

Good Lord!
That is one bad ass dog!!!

This isn't Mikey but that's what he was doing yesterday.

Jon, who had an arm in the sleeve that Mikey was trying to remove from his body said, "Oh, yeah.  You can see it in his eyes.  He knows what to do"

Then he said, 
"And, you know, the thing about a dog. He's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'."

I moved away slowly and excused myself from the field.

We're gonna start training again.
It was a good time and Mikey loves it.

Funny - an hour after trying to rip that man's body parts off, Mikey was at The Family Dog, tied up outside, and I bet 20 folks passed by and scratched his head and patted his butt and just generally stopped to love on him and would've never guessed how scary he can be.
Which is the whole point to the training:  a dog that knows the difference b/n a dangerous stranger who means you no good, and one that's just a little tipsy and overly friendly.

I also have good news to report in that Mikey is up for a part in The Walking Dead!!!
That's right, my friends:  Zombie Dog is upon us!

Can't wait!!



Best part of the day was walking into The Family Dog and seeing the bartender was wearing the
El Pinche Pirata 2012 U.S. Summer Tour t-shirt!!!

Love those guys!!!

(sorry - I've edited that image a dozen times and it keeps showing up on it's side.)(stoopid computer)

Contents of a man's pockets

"the amazing" and I were at the bar yesterday afternoon.
He had a genuinely "sh#@-y" life moment so I turned of the boss switch and took him down to Highland Tap for a couple beers and shots.
I set a couple things on the bar and jokingly announced,
"That's a man's pockets, right there!"
Which then led to the picture above.

Contents:

1.  Pocket knife - Sodbuster, circa 1983.

2.  $43 cash, a couple debit cards, my Blue Cross/Blue Shield ID, driver's license.

3.  Daddy's Zippo from basic training, circa 1958 or so.

4.  Keys to the bike.

5.  Leatherman (it's an alternate to the pocket knife).

6.  Belt buckle with a ship (on the belt, not in the pocket) compliments of H.S.Sh. Fred.

7.  Monocle w/ chain.

8.  El Pinche Pirata del Fuego business cards in silver case.

9.  Hamilton wrist watch - my gift to me when I sold the job at The Met.

10. Handkerchief - immensely useful in all sorts of ways.

Nacho on the Silk Road

....which is not a reference to any sort of counter culture movement at all.

No, my friends.

This is the new Kickstarter program from my one of my favorite sites/people(s),

http://www.drivenachodrive.com/


They want to travel the Silk Road, an old trade route through Asia, the mid-east, and Europe and plan to write a book it.

I'm going to give these folks a couple bucks and hope you will too.
Not sure why, I just want someone out there doing it.

Kickstarter to the Silk Road

Nine months ago while Sheena and I were stranded in the Colombian mountains, we made a decision. If Nacho ever made it through South America, we would ship to Europe instead of our original plan of shipping to Asia. Things were getting difficult, and we needed a break. From Europe, if things got hard, we could always turn around and end up back in a familiar place. But then, after traveling in Chile and Argentina for five months, we were tired of things being easy. We wanted a challenge, so we switched our plan back to Asia.

We knew that once we got to Southeast Asia, we would basically be stuck, locked in place by impassible borders. We would need to get to India, but the Burmese border is closed, and it’s prohibitively expensive to drive through China. After India, we’d be locked down again. Our options would be to go through China (too expensive), or through Pakistan and Iran. As it turns out, getting a visa for Iran is virtually impossible for self-driving Americans, and we’d likely have to fly back home to apply for a Pakistani visa. We wanted a challenge, we got a challenge.

So far, the most likely route to get to Europe from here is to ship from Thailand to India, and then ship again from India to Turkey. This, unfortunately, would cut out almost all of Asia. So what’s the point? We had to look for other options. Where there’s a will there’s a way.

We asked ourselves, “all other things aside, what would be the most interesting and adventurous route possible?” We decided on the Silk Road. This would take us through China, India, Sri Lanka, Nepal, and the central Asian republics (AKA “the Stans”). We would cross the Himalayas twice, pass through Tibet from one end to the other, and explore the most remote regions of Central Asia imaginable. The one challenge, we found, was the cost to cross China (twice). After the tour company and guide fees, we’re talking $19,514 just for permission to cross China.

But where there’s a will there’s a way.

We’re determined to make this happen, so we’re making a big deal out of it. We’ve started a Kickstarter project, which will use crowd-sourced funding to raise money to fund the development of a book about driving the Silk Road, Nacho style.

We have 30 days to raise $25,602. We hope to accomplish this by letting ordinary people invest as little as $1 in our book project. Here’s a link to our Kickstarter project, where you can read our plan, watch our project video, and see the rewards we’ll provide to our helpers:

Drive Nacho Drive: China & The Silk Road by Volkswagen Bus

Still don’t understand what Kickstarter is? It’s basically a new way to fund creative projects. In essence, you’re basically pre-ordering a book that we haven’t written yet. Once we have the adventure and write the book, you’ll get a copy of it (along with other rewards depending on your funding level), and will know that you helped make it happen. Read all about Kickstarter here.

Help spread the word!

Just like high school, Kickstarter success is a bit of a popularity contest. The more people who know about our project, the more likely we will be to successfully raise our funds. And this is important, because if we don’t reach 100% of our funding goal in 30 days, we don’t get anything and we’re off to the shipping yard.

Funding must be met by Friday, May 17, 11:05pm EDT!

Besides investing in our project, the best way to help is to share our project through social media.Share the following link on your Facebook wall and Twitter feed, we can spread the word about our goal and have a much higher chance of success.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2035797765/drive-nacho-drive-china-and-the-silk-road-by-volks

There are a lot of great stories out there waiting to happen. We just have to go find them. Thanks so much for your help.

And now behold the wonder of our low-budget Kickstarter film, created here in our dingy Thai hotel room!