Dear Jesus,

Last week I sent you this little note:

Dear Baby Jesus,

How ya' doin?
Things going ok?
Good.

Can I ask a favor?
Is there any chance you can spend a few minutes today gettin' all Biblical on AT & T?
They've been really, really naughty lately and I feel a little smiting is in order.
My internets have been down since last Thursday and AT & T won't be around to correct the problem until this Friday.
That's straight up sinful.

It's exactly like Sodom and Gomorrah.

Thanks Lil' Buddy!
Luvulongtime,

EPPdF

I'm not sure that you received it because I didn't get my interwebs up and running again until Monday afternoon.

Over a week without the worldwidewebs is a long time when you're self employed and very engaged in navel gazing blogospheres.

While I certainly appreciate the time that we've had together, when I woke this morning I found that the intertubes had left me yet again.

But this time they took the home phone and the fax line with them.

That is just wrong.

Wrong and not right.

So pleasepleasePuh-LEEEEASE Baby Jesus, can you get your pop's ear for a second and lay some fire and brimstone down on AT & T?

I'm talkin' Old Testament here.

The scary stuff.

You remember the old days?

Like that time you kicked a little money lender's ass at the temple doors?

That was badass man.

If you could get all WWF on these AT & T folks I sure would appreciate it.

I don't wanna tell you how to do your job but if we could maybe start here:

“ This is what the great LORD says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will plague your whole country with frogs. The Nile will teem with frogs. They will come up into your palace and your bedroom and onto your bed, into the houses of your officials and on your people, and into your ovens and kneading troughs. The frogs will go up on you and your people and all your officials. ”
  — Exodus 8:1–4

That would be cool.

But let's use big, scary, warty frogs.  The really nasty kinds that make little girls squeal.

That would be awesome.

If that doesn't get their attention maybe we could step it up a bit to this:

 Plague of boils (שְׁחִין): Ex. 9:8–12
The sixth plague of Egypt was shkhin, a kind of skin disease, usually translated as "boils". God commanded Moses and Aaron to each take two handfuls of soot from a furnace, which Moses scattered skyward in Pharaoh's presence. The soot induced festering Shkhin eruptions on Egyptian men and livestock. The Egyptian sorcerers were afflicted along with everyone else, and were unable to heal themselves, much less the rest of Egypt.

They'd have to listen then, right!?!

They'd be all festering and gross and their girlfriends would be like,

"Ooooh, GROSS!  Get away from me you freak!!!"

And I'd be all like, 

"Yeah man.  I warned ya'!"  

"You didn't listen and now Jesus gave you some kind super sick pimples or something!"

"So take that.  Take your pimple-y face and fix the internet whydon'tcha!?!"

That would be rad.

Thanks Jesus.

You're the best.

XOXO,

EPPdF

FYI

More this:

Less this: