Another Monday repeat from the trip.
Hope you enjoy!

Shocking discovery!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I know that friends and family alike will be shocked, SHOCKED! I tell you, to learn that Joe..., er, El Pinche Pirata del Fuego, (hard to keep all your pseudonyms and nom de plumes in order) was a little grumpy yesterday.

Yes, yes, it's true.

I know what you're thinking: this is not the EPPdF that I know and love!?!

But every now and again it happens.

First), the torrential downpours, the likes of which most Gulf Shore-ians can not recall seeing in recent years, and

B.) work.

The thing about self-employment is: 

(tab A) you get to make your own hours and to use a sailing metaphor, be the master of your own ship.  

And, make cross country motorcycle trips at your leisure.

But then, (slot B) you realize that your hours are largely dictated by the whims of precocious, but well meaning goofballs who seem determined to chart courses for large rocks and sirens when they're not busy punching holes in your sails.  (sorry, b/n the beach and the whole pirata thing, I'm working the sailing angle)

(And of course I'm speaking in broad strokes here and not referring to any of my clients, who are leagues apart from all other clients, and are wonderful and cheerful folk whose soul motivation in life is to make the world a better, brighter place and spend their free time teaching sign language to orphaned baby pandas as part of their many, many volunteer activities.)

The upshot of all this was that the one day that it wasn't actually raining cats and farm animals, you ol’ Uncle Pinche’r spent many hours in the condo (Thanks Pam and Joe!) talking on a perpetually dying cel phone and wrestling with the internets in a vain attempt to get a strong enough signal to respond to numerous emails, etc.

After an early afternoon full of dropped calls and interrupted world-wide-webs, I decided to take the bike out for a ride and try to find a friendly spot with a cold beer and a strong signal to park myself. 

Problem:  I'm on an island.  Great for fishing.  Not great for WiFi.

After several stops to inquire about internets I began to get desperate.

Desperation is a bad thing and often leads one to make hasty and costly mistakes.  

Take for instance my decision to stop at the Orange Beach "Raisins" yesterday afternoon.

It was a bad decision.  I was wrong on many fronts.  I can admit that now.

Those that know me well know that:

A.)  I don't like strip clubs. 

(The Clermont Lounge doesn't count - it's more of an historical institution.) 

 and 

2.)  I don't like chain restaurants, particularly ones where the waitresses wear short-shorts AND pantyhose. 

(Seriously, what wing-nut decided that this was a cool fashion statement in 1985 and committed to riding it out until the end of times?)

But, my logic went like this - well, it's right on the beach with a great view and few people on the deck and at least I can have a beer while I work and look out at the ocean.  

Sounds solid on its face.

The conversation went like this:

Girl in bright orange shorts and pantyhose: "Welcome to Raisins!!!!!!!!!!   You seem really cool, not like most of the guys that come here!!   They're all old and boring but you're a handsome-young-go-getter whose full of life and I can tell just from your walk that you're both manly and self-actualized.  Would you like to do expensive shots of adult beverages off my nubile young breasts while I recite the works of Gabriel Garcia Marquez from memory?  It's completely free for men of charm and wit like you."

EPPdF:  "That sounds wonderful.  I would love to drink expensive adult beverages off your nubile young breasts but, to be honest, I'm in a bit of a mood;  do you know any Jose Saramago?"

Girl in bright orange shorts and pantyhose:  "Well, I haven't quite memorized all of The Gospel According to Jesus Christ but I could do Todos Los Nombres if you like.  I actually prefer to read that one "au natural" if that's ok?"

EPPdF: "However you're most comfortable."

Girl in bright orange shorts and pantyhose:  "Great!  I'll have these pants off in a jif, and if you're still around for happy hour, Tammy is going to give a demonstration of her new cold fusion experiments;  they're showing real promise and the regulars all go nuts for it!"

EPPdF:  "Charming I'm sure.  I'll definitely be staying for that!  Would it be ok if I touch your butt now?" 

Girl in bright orange shorts and pantyhose:  "Absolutely!!!  I'm actually a little hurt and offended that you took so long to ask."

EPPdF:   "I'm a gentleman."

Girl no longer wearing bright orange shorts and pantyhose:  "Chapter One..."

.......annnd, Scene.

The actual conversation went like this:

Girl in bright orange shorts and pantyhose:  "Welcome to Raisins!!!!!!   
We have $5 pitchers of (insert name of cheap unflavored dishwater)!!!
 We also have a special on margarita's (because a Mexican barge ran aground on the sand bar a few weeks ago and we got a real bargain on un-taxed, home-brewed tequila.  We were able to get most of the saltwater out of it, but really I think it adds to the taste rather than disturbs the agave.)

EPPdF:  "What dark beers do you have on tap?"

Girl in bright orange shorts and pantyhose  -    (blank stare)

(continued blank stare)

EPPdF, not wanting to make the moment any more awkward, "What beers do have on tap?"

Girl in orange shorts and pantyhose -        (blank stare) 

                            (Continued blank stare not unlike a cow staring at a passing train.)

                           (I can see the beginnings of panic appear on the edge of the blank stare.) 

EPPdF:  "Do you have a beer menu?"

Girl in bright orange shorts and pantyhose, terror rising in her voice as she begins to stutter, "well, we have a menu... ..and it,...it has some, um, beers and, they.....but...but I think, um,  they're's some beer, but I don't think...um...that that that that all of the beers are, you know, um in, I mean not, not on the menu.....I can get the manager!!"

EPPdF:  "I don't think this is really a management issue.  Do you have sweet tea?"

Girl in bright orange shorts and pantyhose, suddenly excited and happy, "YES!!!  I know we have that!"

EPPdF: "Well, that's one thing."

Girl in bright orange shorts and pantyhose, now with head cocked a little to the left and a look of confusion.

EPPdF:  "Do you know if there's WiFi here?"

Girl in bright orange pants and pantyhose: "I'll get the manager."

EPPdF: "Yeah, the manager.  That's a great idea.  Yes, the manager please."

Turns out, Raisins doesn't actually have WiFi but you can sort of get a beam every now and again from the hotel across the street but by the time I had worked that out the batteries on everything were low and my chicken nachos had come out.

*SPOILER ALERT:  Do Not Eat The Chicken Nachos!*  

Bad things will happen to you.

Caution:  Do Not Eat The Chicken Nachos!

Still paying for that little mistake.

Finally, I gave up on work and decided to ride out to Ft. Morgan.  

That worked out quite well.

The ride out on Hwy. 59 is fantastic.  Peaceful 2 lane drive thru the island preserve with just enough curve in the road to make it interesting and fun.

*I was later corrected by Ms. Pam of Pamela’s 3 1/2 Star House of Spaghetti that I was not in fact on Hwy 59 - can't remember the real name but follow the Ft. Morgan signs-there's only 1 road there.  

It’s an island for Chrissakes!  How lost can you really get!?!

I went out to where the ferry picks you up to cross Mobile Bay and took some pictures.

My mind feeling limber and relaxed once again, I rode down to The Pines Grocery, Gas, and Pizza to fuel up across the board.  The ladies at the pizza joint took mercy on me and I was able to charge my phone enough to make a couple of calls.  Rode back down to Ft. Morgan to watch the sunset on the bay and listen to the silence - an under appreciated art for sure and glad I had a minute to enjoy.

My faith in humanity restored, I rode back up 59 into Gulf Shores where I stopped at The Hangout - it's a kind of the Gulf Shores tourist spot - right on the water.  It's a huge complex of restaurants and bars and things for kids to do, including a big bungee thing where the little ones get shot way up into the air sling shot style. 

(Note: will not let big kids ride. I asked .(( )

I had a nice chat with Matt, one of the managers for The Hangout, and got the scoop on the bars inside AND, free parking!  Having received 7 parking tickets in the first 6 weeks of Park Atlanta's reign of terror back home, I have come to truly appreciate free parking.

Inside, a band was playing bad music at excessive volume but The Hangout could be a great place on a good night.  I think just a little to young and drunk and loud and tourist-y for EPPdF (I'm enjoying referring to myself in the third person) but I found the bar farthest from the band and had a great conversation with Phil and Meagan from Indianapolis who were also on vacation and had been trapped in the hotel watching it rain.  Phil is the manager of a mattress store and Meagan is an accountant for a welding company - nice folk, I had really nice time talking at them (I'm afraid I'm a bit windy these days and most people don't get much of chance to speak - sorry Phil!)

Then a couple I had met at Daylight Donuts came over to say hello.

(Stop in to say "Hi!" to Mona and Mandy. The donuts and coffee are tasty and fresh and it's the only reliable interwebs in Orange Beach I've found thus far.)

The couple recognized me from Daylight and came over to say hello and the girl, prettiest little brunette, flashed a huge smile and held out her hand and said, "Look what I got!!!"

There was a big ol' engagement ring on her finger.  It was very sweet and really brightened up my evening.

Then Jake from Chicago sat down next me.  He's working at The Hangout for the summer before going back to school to start his sophomore year.  Nice guy - jeez, to be 21 again.  I don't think I would really want to do it again but Jake seems to have a system:  spend the summer working at the beach, hanging out with his buddies drinking beer and meeting pretty girls, then school and hockey back in Chicago.  Does not sound half bad.

So, this whole traveling around on a motorbike and meeting people and eating good food (minus chicken nachos) and drinking too many beers is working out.  

Who'da thunk that EPPdF would actually enjoy talking to actual strangers, about stuff, and sometimes things too!?!

Extra special thanks to Pam and Joey for letting me surf their couch for a few days longer than planned while I waited out the weather.  Great hosts and I highly recommend a stay at their place * Reserve in advance and request the spaghetti special (3.5 stars!). 

Onward west....