The Field Sobriety Test of Modern Relationships: The Valentine's Day Date

Because I'm all about serving my fellow man and because, from the bottom and/or top of my tiny, blackened, "Grinch-ien" heart - I care - and also because for some reason my Valentine's Day post from last year is popular in my Googley Stats - today I bring you:

The Field Sobriety Test of Modern Relationships:  The Valentine's Day Date

In the modern western world, the Valentine's Day date is typically used as a Pass/Fail - Field Sobriety Test for men in committed relationships in which the best a man can do is not f@#k up.

If you're a guy in a relationship and you put together a nice, romantic Valentine's date complete with dinner, gifts, cards, flowers, maybe a little dancin', maybe a couple drinks, then maybe you might have bought yourself 3-5 days of a more or less pleasant woman, who will possibly sleep with you 1.37 times during that 5 day run.

A bad Valentine's date ?
Let's not talk about it.

As an "adult" male that was married for nearly a decade and who has been dating for another, I can't possibly account for all of the dollars I've spent treating my particular betrothed like an heavenly angel for that one, special eve of the year in the hopes of:
A.) Not freaking hearing about it for the rest of the f@#ing year if I got it wrong!!!
2.) see "A" above.

In nearly 20 years of married and/or dating life I don't recall a single Valentine's Day in which I was showered with gifts, lavished with love, bathed, shaved, oiled, and put to bed with a steak and a "beej".
Nor, do I recall ever hearing of such from any of my male friends.  

Oh, sure - you'll hear the occasional tall tale of a friend's cousin who "knew a guy" whose wife met him at the door with a plate of cutlets and the TV remote - and then left him alone to watch sportsball while she patiently (and nakedly) waited to perform her wifely duties - but I've always treated these stories with the same sort of skepticism that one would normally reserve for alien and Bigfoot sightings - they may be out there - but you'll never see them.
Statistically, it just doesn't happen.
This her night. 

And yours - to get right or to screw up.

(See also - Mother's Day, her Birthday, New Year's Eve, Memorial Day, Arbor Day, Labor Day, etc.)
(Guys get the 4th of July - the one day we can get drunk and blow shit up like we want to do.)